Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
