i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
