Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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