ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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