My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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