you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
