my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
