Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
