I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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