***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
