I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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