I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
