i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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