Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
