all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
