I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
