I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
