I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
