my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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