She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
