after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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