the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
