remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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