Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
