Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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