Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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