What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
