I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
