I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
