I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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