fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
