Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
