I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
