yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
