My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
