So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
even my farts smell like vagina
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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