Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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