It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
