Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
