ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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