Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
