whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
