It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.