New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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