happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.