someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for