i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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