you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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