His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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