people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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