Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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