i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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