Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So here I am, sexting at work.
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