I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
And then my night got REAL pukey
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
