I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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