She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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