2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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